I wish I was an artist.

Or I at least had the ability to be artistic, in other words— drew/painted/crafted well. At times like these, when I’m so frustrated, angry, confused, and about to give up on something, I just realized that art is such a good way to express your feelings at the moment. Not only that, but it is extremely productive. I wish I was good enough to paint on my bedroom wall and call it my very own artwork. I wish that I was good enough with the eye of an artist, to paint a beautiful picture. I wish I was that good to create something nice.

I sprained my left knee during cheer practice yesterday right? And my cheer competition is tomorrow. It’s not that serious or anything, but it still hurts when I put pressure or extend it of course, so as of now, I’m really determined to rest the whole day, hoping I wake up the next morning feeling good enough to stunt tomorrow at my first cheer competition. I even had to go to the ER yesterday after school because my knee buckled while doing a stunt from the routine. If I drop out of this competition, the whole routine is basically screwed up with the main stunts, pyramid, and formation. Ugh… And my team and I has been working our asses off for competition season, I don’t want to let them down. Even if it means I might hurt myself tomorrow, I wanna do this! I’m excited, haha.

Sometimes I wonder what I would have turned out like if I graduated from my first private Catholic school. From all my classmates I’ve known from my kinder-first grade class up til today— they all still talk as if they’re one big family. It’s amazing. They also attend the most expensive and well held high schools in my area. While I was one of the few (maybe even only) that didn’t go to school with the rest of them. Most of the girls are still innocent (for all I know), and they all grew up pretty— non-caked face per say. They party, but not the average trashy party and bullshit scene. Sometimes, they even still have their parents around at the parties they go to. Most of them I know ended up going to another private school, or an all-girls High school. As for the boys, the same, and they all grew up well-built and on the football team. It makes me think about how I’d be doing if I hadn’t have moved out in 1st grade to public schooling. It makes me curious about how I’d look, act, or if I’d still be as tainted as I am today, ha. 

I just realized a super-duper-extremely-cliched-and-cute-but-still-simple-as-can-be thing a guy has never given/done to me:

make a mix CD of songs.

It doesn’t even need to be filled with the typical lovesongs. Lol, I don’t know, but I think it’d be so adorable and thoughtful. A “just because” gift. Sure, you’re taking a super cliche’d thing to give to your significant other, but all the while making it unique. It may consist of the most random of songs, yet under the same taste of music you both enjoy. Which is another way showing him/her you really do know them all that well.

Sometimes I take things up the ass, but not in a prissy way. Just little things that you may do to piss me off by offending me in some sort, I think it’s really rude. Or thinking of how you let me down at one particular point, just makes me dislike you—- automatically. I’m too nice of a person, when it comes do being there for you all the damn time. I remember things that you forget you even did in the past.

I’m a resentful person.

Whenever I’m super pissed at my parents or bummed out that I am forced to stay home on a Saturday night, unable to attend a party— I sneak out. 

It just makes me wonder how I’m going to react as an adult/parent when I look back at it. Ha, my kids aren’t going to be able to get away with nothing, because I’ve practically done everything under lying and sneaking out, lol.

So my physical is this Wednesday. I’m kind of scared for this one part. Where my doctor asks if it’s okay for my mom to stay in the room as he/she asks me “personal” questions about my health and what I’ve been doing. Because this time my questions are going to be different for once, lol if you know what I mean. Of course I can straight up respond and say, no I’m not comfortable with her in the room during these questions. But then she’ll get all sketchy and ask me why I didn’t want her to hear my responses. Oh my goshhhh, I don’t know what to do. Lol, fuuu -_-

It’s one thing to be loyal and true to your significant other by being there for him/her and stuff most of the time. But it comes to an extent. When you start pushing others away just for your boo. Especially one of the most important things your best of friends would ask of you, yet you turn it down over something just for your girl/boy that you can always do some other time.

That shit fucking hurts, being the friend pushed away or turned down. Remember who had you first.